He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
