Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
