youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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