Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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