You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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