I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
