I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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