Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
