Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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