Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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