3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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