dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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