I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
