I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
