I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
