and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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