You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
