Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
