We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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