there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
