Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
