I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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