did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
