I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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