k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
