Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
