the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
