she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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