i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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