My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
