So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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