I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
