I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
