mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
