There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
