I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
