I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
