He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
