i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
