i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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