Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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