When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Drunk is not a location!
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