he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
