I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
