If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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