You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
