saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Drake has all the answers
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
