just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
