i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My feet surprised me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
