I want you more than these girls want KFC
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
