our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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