I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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